The Mandalorian: Empty Nester
It’s better this way. Now you can finally focus on Jedi mindfulness meditation.
7:24 am: Wake up. Realize it’s later than you thought. Run to check on the kid — sorry, Grogu — only to remember that he’s at Jedi college and you’re alone again. Weep openly and uncontrollably.
8:00 am: Stand in the bathroom. Take off your helmet. Decide the beard doesn’t feel like you anymore. Shave it off. “This is the way” you repeat to yourself in the mirror.
8:30 am: Take a quick jog around the Mos Eisley Spaceport. Was this beskar armor always this heavy? Need to get Boba Fett’s routine because he keeps it tight. Check your heart rate and your messages. 5 threats from Bo-Katan re: Darksaber and Mandalore. Nothing from the kid.
9:00 am: Look at the ol’ to-do list. Cross off: “Get kid to Jedi.” Check the rest of the list. Nothing. Add “Find new catchphrase” to the list. “This… is my way.” Nope.
10:45 am: Check the bounty hunter trades to see if anyone is paying for a baby abduction that could maybe become your new best friend. Realize you’re doing it again. Stare at the wall for a bit.
11:10 am: Add “Reconnect with the other Mandalorians” to your to-do list. Read the missed connections section of the Mos Eisley’s data log. Leave a hologram message looking for Mandalorians at the trading post. A Tusken raider suggests you reach out on Spacebook. Thank him for nothing. Take down the hologram.
1:27 pm: Lunch. Order eggs and a squid thing you’ll have to kill to eat. Try out some new catchphrases while you wait: “This is a way!” or “What’s the deal with eggs?” No, too specific. The eggs arrive and remind you of the kid. Pay your bill, let the squid thing eat both the eggs, and leave.
1:54 pm: Try a new hobby. Armor engraving? You like the rhino thing on your armor but would a skull and flowers be too much of a cry for help? What about forging? Ugh! Too hard and hot!
2:38 pm: Make dinner plans? Boba Fett’s running a criminal underworld. Cara Dune’s too problematic. Carl Weathers answers on the first ring — so you hang up. “I guess that’s-a the way?” Nope. Hate that.
3:00 pm: Call the kid to tell him you saw eggs and thought of him. Luke Skywalker answers. Awkward. He says the kid is all about blue cookies now. Stupid Luke can’t replace you. :(
4:46 pm: Pass a Carbonite Storage Center. Look through the storage to see if there’s an old friend to thaw out. No one. Message notification: Moff Gideon wants to list you as an archnemesis on LinkedIn. No messages from the kid.
6:00 pm: Realize it’s better this way. Now you can finally focus on yourself. Try Jedi mindfulness meditation. Fall asleep from boredom and wake up with your helmet on and your neck thrown out.
7:30 pm: Show up at Peli Motto’s garage only to see her and Carl Weathers making out hard. How long has that been going on? Retreat but accidentally kick over a droid. Peli and Carl immediately see you. Mumble “This isn’t the way.” Peli suggests that you come with them for dinner. Carl makes a joke about being their third. Decline and offer to lock up.
7:31 pm: The second they leave, burst into tears. Goddamn Grogu. Goddamn Jedi College. Goddamn Carl Fucking Weathers. A droid taps you on the shoulder and offers a rag to dry your eyes. These droids can’t fix a ship, but maybe they can fix a lonely heart. Cry while getting sucked off by a bunch of horny droids. You hate droids, but you hate yourself more.
10:00 pm: Head home. See you have a message from the kid! He’s smiling and covered in blue vomit. Realize he’s not your baby yoda anymore.
10:15 pm: Climb into bed. Hug the shifting stick from your old ship knowing that somewhere in a galaxy far far away, the kid is putting a tiny ball in his mouth and thinking of you too.
